Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I miss my midwife

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Postpartum comes with a lot of surprises. One of the biggest things that surprised me after the birth of my first baby was how much I missed my midwives. I didn't expect to feel that way because, honestly, I barely knew them. How is it possible to miss someone that you barely know? I missed the midwife who was there with me during my labor, and I missed the midwife that I felt most connected to during prenatal visits. I kept thinking about them in the days after the birth. I was so glad when I ended up with mastitis because it gave me an excuse to see them again before my six week postpartum visit. I didn't want to wait that long! The six week visit is so bittersweet. You get to see your midwife again, but that's it after that. Not only did I miss my visits with them, but I missed that feeling of having something to look forward to and the feeling of being taken care of.

But there was a comfort about it all. It wasn't going to be my last rodeo. I would have another baby eventually.

For our second baby, we decided to have a home birth which would mean having a different midwife. I'll always have a special place in my heart for my first midwives, but we knew that we needed to do things differently the second time.

Like before, after the birth of my second baby, I missed my midwife. I missed our visits and conversations. I missed learning from her. I missed having something to look forward to. My second pregnancy happened during one of the hardest times in our family's life, and she helped me to feel cared about. I felt lonely, abandoned, trapped, isolated, and flat out worth less than the people around me, and she helped me feel like a worthwhile human being. She seemed to know the perfect balance of just listening and having the right words. I really learned that midwife is just another word for angel. Because she really is someone pretty special.

And then I gave birth, and our visits had to stop. She had to continue on serving other mothers.

But again, there was a comfort about it all. It wasn't going to be my last rodeo. I would have another baby eventually, and I would see her again.

But this time, it is different. Eleven days ago, I gave birth to my third and last baby.

And I miss my midwife.

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