I wrote this post on a particularly poopy day. If poopy ramblings are not your thing, I'd love for you to come back and see me on another day.
I'm feeling vulnerable today.
I'm not really sure how else to say it, so I am going to do something a little crazy and express my vulnerability on the Internet.
I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm suffering from the "not enoughs" and feelings of scarcity today. I've cried, slammed cabinets, and yelled at my kids today. I'm feeling shame for my actions. I'm wondering, "Why bother trying to be better when this is all I am? What is the point? I'm just....this. I'm always going to be just....this."
I've been reading about vulnerability, shame, and guilt a lot lately in the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. I've become a Brene Brown junkie lately. She's awesome. I figured this would be a good book to start with since, Hey! I'm imperfect. And Hey! I kind of wish I wasn't, but maybe I can learn how to live my life being imperfect and feel okay about it. I kind of want to kick shame's butt.
There's a difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is that feeling we experience when we do something bad. It moves us to action to try to repair the behavior. Shame is the feeling that we are something bad. It moves us to action to try to feel worthy again, and often those actions are self-destructive and crippling.
I'd like to build shame resilience. I'd like to be able to say, "Hey! I'm feeling shame right now." Then I'd like to be able to keep it from crippling me and turning me into a frantic, blubbering, yelling mess.
We in the birth community talk about vulnerability a lot. Birthing women are in a vulnerable state and need to be able to surround themselves with people who make them feel safe. They have to be able to feel safe being vulnerable. Sometimes I think about all the things that kind of drive me crazy while I am pregnant. I worry about a lot of stuff! I think that the sensations of labor have to be so very strong to make sure there is no room for worry anymore. Labor is the only thing that can completely take my thoughts away, whatever they are. During labor, there is no room to worry about dinner, or what people think of me, or what bills need to be paid, or how empty our bank account is, or what I forgot to do, or how not enough I am, or, or, or... there is only... birth. Labor is so strong that my only choice is to let it be there. I have to allow vulnerability to happen. I have to allow vulnerability to just... be there. It takes courage to be vulnerable. It takes courage to choose to be vulnerable.